Down in mississippi where the sun beats down from the sky............

Painpills

2005-10-08T03:10:22Z

Thank god for substances

Booze, liquor, weed. And maybe a brownie for after?

Just right.

makemyself421 @ 2005-09-13T11:45:00

2005-09-13T18:49:45Z

This is for several people in my life. They dont need names. One state ment for all of you.

1. Stop drinking. Your only hurting yourself.

2. You dont need to be numb to bad things, you need to live life and learn the lessons that it has to offer.

3. Stop depressing yourself, its up to you to make things better.

4. We may never be friends again. Its up to YOU.

5. Happiness is a warm gun.

makemyself421 @ 2005-09-08T15:57:00

2005-09-08T22:57:01Z

Two questions Im sick of hearing:

1. What are you doing after school?

2. Whats the matter? You look down.

Fuck you all.

Oh god.

2005-08-27T19:52:13Z

Im in some kind of daze. Im graduating from college in 2 weeks. The Rough version of my demo reel is burning on the computer behind me. Ive been climbing a constant mountain of homework. Yesterday, I had to shoot a 4th piece for my portfolio. I got it done. Today I edited it. That makes me happy, something of a homestretch is in my sights.

Im not going to walk down the isle at graduation. I dont know how Im gonna tell my family, cause they want to see it I think. But Im done with this place. I will probably tell them straight up that Im not going to the ceremony, and I would rather just have my family come to Seattle and eat dinner with me and show them my work.

Work. School. Work. School. Schoolwork. Ugh. Where are my friends? They have all dissapeared. All the friends I made 2 years ago are practically a joke now. One friend from back then remains. There are only about 2 people that I hang out with now. Tony from work. And Bobby from wenatchee. And I only see them on a speratic basis.

But, alas, this is the trend. I meet wonderful people, and they vanish. A deep part of my personality reaches out desperatly for someone to be a solid friend, like a foothold in the midst of this bizzare time. No such thing. My foothold lately has been my resolve. Soley me.

Holy God, this DVD thing take forever to compile.

Well, Im sitting here at school and the mental well is exhausted. Time to go home and start typing paperwork for portfolio. When this fucking DVD is done........of course.

Hello, and so long.

2005-08-14T02:39:31Z

So you've wondered
What all these things have ever been
What you've done for so long

The protagonist to my antagonist
Ive learned lessons again
Heard things of infatuation

So my escape will come soon
Rested from my grip
It was never meant to be

This pensive day...
oh, this pensive day...

There we go

2005-07-11T19:25:59Z

Problems solved!

Its amazing what simple dialogue between two people can fix!

Oh yeah, last night I wrecked doing mach 7 down a crazy hill out in Greenlake. Road rash is the sweetest thing ever.

Im gonna post a picture of it.

makemyself421 @ 2005-06-25T18:04:00

2005-06-26T01:23:10Z

Surely my bitterness is inherent. Some would say.

I now know, my one mistake, as I have made this same mistake twice before. My personal rule of thumb has always been this: "Be careful how much you care for someone."

Because there are consequenses.

You show so much of yourself to someone, and for the life of you never understand why. You have never shown someone so much. Why did you do that?

Maybe you saw something. There was something radiant about this person. Something that you had seen in no one else. Something that made sense. Some kind of balance in turmoil. A real work of art.

Forget about it.

As before, your just a good friend, and this is the way that is must be. Sure.

Excuse my bitterness. My callowness. My words are not intended to be harsh. They are intended to remind me of what I am to myself, and what I am to so many others.

This is most likely my last livejournal entry.

makes sense right?

makemyself421 @ 2005-06-21T19:51:00

2005-06-22T02:52:11Z

I quit

maybe

Fuck

2005-06-16T18:01:21Z

So here I am. Fuck. Maybe, I dont know why, Im in such a terrible mood. I had a good morning. I whent and ate breakfast. That was fun. Sadly, the food did not settle right. Nothing I eat lately has been. Maybe its the end of the quarter stress thats getting me. I dont know. On the whole, Im usually quite a happy person.

God knows, not lately.

So food doesn't settle right. Nor does anything else. NOTHING. God damn it. I blame it all on my decision making abilities. I'm the one that makes these bad decisions that make me so unhappy. Even if it is only a temporary sadness, I hate it. Fuck, Im the one that chose the wrong school, got in with the wrong friends, took the wrong job, and fell in love with the wrong people.

These are my regrets.

I dont know if even two of you will read this, let alone, care, and let alone respond to this. And granted, and this point, I may not even give a fuck.

Why should I give a fuck. I've wasted enough of my time sitting around for the last who knows how long waiting for the unatainable. Things that you think make sense, things that make you happy. You hold these things so close, but in their mind, your as important as what they ate for lunch three days ago. Your unimportance is validated. You never pass go, you never collect two hundred dollars, and you certainly never fucking win.

Can please have the validation? Can I just know where things are? Can I know how to feel? Can I know how you feel? What am I doing wrong? Why are you scared? Why am I scared? Am I wasting my time? Do I proceed? Do I just light this love letter on fire and send the ashes to the wind?

Topic of the day.

2005-06-15T21:56:50Z

So. Yes.

Theo.

The buzz word of the day.

I just think its funny to see how stirred up people get over things like this. I am not going to be one of the harsh people that make a big deal about how people react to someones death. I dont care how people react. They all have their own feelings and thoughts on the matter.

Im not sad.

I didn't know Theo.

It doesn't affect me.

Im sad for those that knew him. Some of my dearest friends are mourning the loss of a friend. I am sad for them.

Death should not cause such an uproar. I dont care if your young, old, in between of what the fuck. It DOESN'T matter. I understand that a young man lost his life. A young man looses his life every day. Every second for that matter. I guess what Im getting at is that, I just think its silly all of this that I see and here everyday.

When my dad died, there was no uproar. There were no emotional fireworks, there were no internet posts. When a 47 year old man dies of cancer, its just another number. You dont celebrate numbers. What am I getting at now? I dont know. I was up till 4 am this morning. I dont have to make sense.

I want to write a short film about cynicism. Jonah, I need you for that. Call me.

Is there such a thing as a shit storm in your mind?

2005-06-09T05:33:49Z

How many things can you think about at once? A debatable question that could be argued for days, weeks, months, years, eons. Well, for me, right now, its about three. I seek diversity in my thought processes. It seems that my search is proving unfruitful. I go to bed thinking about the same things, dream about the same things, wake up thinking about the same things, continue to think about all the same things throughout my day. Not that thats bad. In fact, I rather enjoy recalling them. It kind of keeps me on track for the moment. It gets me through.

I have developed a dependency on faulty hopes.

I guess the question is now to the heft of my tread. How do I step through these thought? Do I step lightly? Do I act with agression? Speed, precission, persistence?

You know the funny thing is, I see at the end of this whole thing, a really dark tunnel, with a sort of dead end. A wall in the black that is there, but it really isn't there. Its only there if I let it be there. Its completely up to me if I roll through the bleak, pitch blackness, into light. Its completely up to me if I barrel head first into the wall.

One Thing: Persistence

Two Thing: Precission

Three Thing: Speed

The order to my madness, depicted in the simple chart above.

I want to work. But Im thinking about these things. Damn homework. Thats one of them right there. Always, I think about my work. The balance of good and bad in that thought is there. Thinking about it brings about completion, a foriegn feeling of achievment is welcome.

Ahh, The String Cheese incident. You make the thuoghts wane. Thank you. Gimme a jam you hippy fuckers. Thats better

Well, I suppose its time to ramble on as they say?

Are you confused yet?
Cause I am?

You know its right
Done be afraid
Taking that risk may have been the best idea ever

I love Primus

2005-06-05T07:32:47Z

I listened to Primus today. I worked 11 Hrs. I made money. I did homework.

I am happy.

Pretty much as simple as that.

Just happy.

makemyself421 @ 2005-06-01T10:23:00

2005-06-01T17:24:12Z

Im formulating all the foul words for everything that has really pissed me off in the last week.

Believe you me, those are some foul mother fuckers.

Damn School

2005-05-26T18:24:02Z

So I come to the school early to try and get some stuff done. You know, be a studious student and what not. So come to the school an hour and some minutes early, so I can copy a movie trailer from my fight club VHS to a MiniDV tape. Should be easy right? WRONG! Copyright protection strikes again. Even on a fuckin VHS. Bastards. So now I have to figure out some way to get a trailer either off the net, or maybe someone else has something I can use. I hope they do, cause the last thing I feel like doing right now is walking all the way back to my apartment just to get another VHS.

Barnicles.

Oh well, deep breath. I dont care, Im staying on top of my stuff for once in my life, and getting good grades. Maybe its because I have a good influence around now. All I know is that it feels good to have my finals time stress levels down about 20 notches from what they usuallly are. It seems that this is about the time each quarter where you contemplate school induced suicide. Death by homework/tests. But HOLY SHIT, Im actually still caught up, and thats after I even picked up an extra video piece that I am shooting with my friends for my portfolio. I am quite tired of this quarter but I will survive. To quote Diana Ross, or whoever that was.

I wish I was James Bond.

Stuff and things

2005-05-23T22:34:16Z

I am Jacks' inflated sense of perpetual confusion...

In times of such happiness, why is such confusion so neccessary? Between school, work, my "regular" life, and everything else, I have my self a real galaxy of shit. Maybe not so much in the sense of BAD things, but just more like in the sense of NOTHING is grounded. and I mean ever. EVER. You find things that are your chain to the world. The things that keep your feet on the ground instead letting you drift off into your standard delerium. Thank god for those things. Right? What happens when those things upturn? Keel over, capsize, go belly up, take a long walk off a short pier? Look you in the face and say "no..."?

So what then. More delerium. Pepetual confusion? Mind numb? Shell shock? Panic? Your wondering where your life line whent. You want to throw an anchor, but that ground is getting smaller and smaller, and you may not have enough rope.

So keep your head right? Manage. Make do. Survive. Find your meadow. That little happy spot. Oh shit! Its drifting too. So strange though, your still smiling. What keeps you hanging on? What minute thread is holding you from the grey clouds that are looming up there? Just what is it, that you keep coming back for? What is it that makes you hold back? What is it that makes you who you are? What is it that has changed you? What IS it that makes you still smile?

Maybe this is a confusing rant. Good, your getting the point. Life is confusion. There is confusion all around us. Everything is confusion. Your life line. Your friends. The people that want to be confused WITH you. The people that you interact with. The person you share your deepest thoughts with, your funniest stories, your concerns, your QUESTIONS, your CONFUSIONS. Someone is there for you in life. Someone is there to take your hand and help you figure out what you want of your life, even if you never know. Look at that, someone is still there to guide and help you.

So you wonder, why are they there?

Simple...

You do the same thing for them. Even if you know it or not.

Cheer Up for FUCK sake

2005-05-16T22:58:08Z

Everyone that enters shit on here is too depressed.

Cheer the fuck up.

My years are 21

2005-05-10T22:06:22Z

Hmmm. Birthdays. Mine was... sort of boring. But hey, I cant complain I still had fun. I whent out sunday at midnight and went to the bar. Good times. The next day, or still my birthday, just not at midnight, was what I wanted really. I just wanted to relax, and thats what I did. So many people want me to go get fucked up with them, but thats just not what Im after right now.

What I AM after is the Mariners game that I get to go to! Im so freakin stoked. I haven't been to a baseball game in a long time. And I am soooo excited. So, go team. This is my favorite present for sure!

Thank you!

Anyway, Im sitting at the school waiting for some people to show up and it doesn't look like they are, so Im gonna go have a drink........cause I can.

Peace.

Ah homework.

2005-05-02T15:56:19Z

So Im at school doing homework, this is prolly gonna be my only internet access. Well this and a couple friends houses, but, yeah. So I thought I would just see whats goin on in this whole LJ world.

You dont realize how addicted you are to something when its taken away.

That can be anything.

Things, people, places. You name it

I need a fix.

Adue!

2005-04-30T00:10:54Z

Well, Im moving and may not have any internet for a while. So this is goodbye for the time being.

Everyone please leave me comments, I implore you!

Talk to you all as soon as a I can.

PEACE!

I cant wait!

2005-04-29T05:12:49Z

So psyched to be moving. REALLY fucking pumped. Tommorow. Woohoo. Allthough I do need to know what time I am borrowing my box moving vehicle, I have pretty much everything ready.

This pad is gonna be freaking sweet

Just like Nirvana Unplugged

Business Card v. 2.0

2005-04-28T09:09:00Z

The new card, touched up some stuff, added some more.

Let me know

Slurpee weather

2005-04-28T00:44:45Z

God I love sunny days like this. I woke up this morning and was like, YES! These clouds are gonna burn off today. It's gonna be sunny, and Im gonna go enjoy it. And my god I did, I went for a skate, to borders, which pretty much always means that Im going CDing. And I did. I got the new Lyrics Born CD. Marvelous, delightful, wonder awesome shit. It kicks ass. So sun kicks ass, I got a slurpee, and a bad ass CD. Hopefully I can do something fun tonight too, cause I am tired of picking up my apt.

Im tired from moving freakin furniture off my portch, which is a couch and 3 chairs, and hauling it downstairs to the dumpster. Nothing rocks like moving a couch by yourself, cause your room mate is drinking coffee, or playing basketball or some retarded shit, when you have to move in 2 days. But hey, whatevs, at least Im gonna be ready.

Mmmmm

2005-04-27T08:04:54Z

Black bird, I saw you tonight
thank you for this pitch black
thank you for

this is something so perfect
my preminition is yes
my feelings are all systems go

thank you black bird
for everything youve ever been
and everthing you will always be

makemyself421 @ 2005-04-25T22:22:00

2005-04-26T05:18:15Z

This gracious moon rises again
To climb upon these racing winds
Every cloud, your visage
The silver lining, your immaculate smile

I stepped down from the stars tonight
I saw into your window
Saw what you wrote about me
Listened to your heart beat

I flew away with the speed of many
To join the sound of your laughter in the skies
On high, upon the most holy of highs
Their was none higher

So here I tread lightly
Heavy there after
soon things come
bloom to fruition

Spring renews
as the winter breaks and introduces the magnificent green
Hello world, your a new planet
Born again, you are your owm, and I love you

A smiling misstress
She calls to me
Midnight is day break
The stars all become sons

Hello light
Hello misstress
Hello world
I love you all

Have my card. Wow that sounds all professional and shit.

2005-04-25T03:58:30Z

So I made my business card for my portfolio prep class. Check it out, give me feed back.